are you there, beyonce? it’s me nerissa and i want to know how you made it without college?

julian dangerous

(hi everyone. this is my first post on this blog and i hope that any/everyone enjoys it. i’m going to try my best to keep it as real as possible.)

exactly two weeks ago, i came back to boston after a very nice, much much needed winter break in new jersey. i could talk to you about how it went, but i think i’ll leave that for another time.

whatever. the point is that i came back to school extremely sad that i had to leave my parents and my very comfortable bed for school again to start a new semester. a couple of days earlier, i had felt very excited to come back because i thought it would be an excellent opportunity to start fresh. my first semester at college was not as wonderful as i hoped it would be, so i told myself that spring semester would be the time to get my shit together, considering i would have all new classes, and i would meet some new transfer students that i could potentially become friends with.

last semester, i absolutely failed academically. i mean i didn’t tank completely, but my grades were not acceptable–by my parents’ standards and even my own. i dedicated most of my time to locking myself up in my dorm and watching an insane amount of television series and movies and ridiculous youtube clips. i would think about all the work i had to do, and immediately told myself that what was more important was “me time”. so i would either not do homework or study at all, hand in assignments half-assed and late, and not participate in class as much as i could have. i would complain all the time about how difficult the work was for me, but not do anything about it and ended up telling myself that it wasn’t going to be important in the long run, that none of these stupid assignments weren’t going to matter in twenty-something years when i was done with college and navigating life as a Grown-Ass Adult.

the thing i didn’t tell myself, though, was how much this stuff really did matter in the short term. over the break, i realized that not only was this kind of destructive to me personally and as a student, but i was also completely disrespecting the fact that my parents are paying a shit ton of money for me to go here. my mom tells me at least once a week that i’m here to study and for no other purpose but to help me pursue the career that i want.

so i told myself that this semester was going to be different, and i’m really trying to do better with time/priority management in terms of schoolwork. i still find myself neglecting some of my work and questioning whether going to college was a good decision in the first place, but yeah. i’m working on it. i promise.

another thing that also didn’t go so well for me last semester was socializing and making friends. i really struggled with making friends in high school, and before i started college in september my biggest concern was repeating high school all over again. i came in really confident and set on making friends because so many people have told me that college is the best new beginning you could ever possibly get, and every one is on the same boat. but that didn’t stop me! i did the same exact thing i did in high school which was not try to talk to anyone in class, worry too much about what people would think of me, and not “be myself”. that’s probably the shittiest piece of advice you could give a person with social anxiety/people who have trouble making friends, i think. what the fuck does that even mean? i don’t know who the hell i am, that’s honestly so useless to me and people say it all the damn time. how am i supposed to be myself when i change all the fucking time????

now, i don’t know if i actually do “formally” have social anxiety or anything, but i’ve been reading about it and i think i might have a moderate form of social anxiety. it’s not even that i’m anxious about talking to people, sometimes i really am, but i think i just have a hard time relating to other people or knowing what to say and how to keep a conversation going. also to be very honest not very many people here are extremely friendly, so it’s not like people are trying to get to know me either. at least in my time here. that might come off sounding like an excuse, but how can you become friends with someone if they don’t want to be friends with you?

in any case, some other good advice that came my way about making new friends and just meeting new people was to join some university clubs/activities, etc. so i did. i was really really interested in participating in college radio, and i signed up as soon as i could. and i actually got to!! it was pretty nice, i “interned” on an indie rock-themed show with two other girls who were really nice and got to talk to some of the other girls who ran the show and were upperclassmen. one of the girls that was there the most often was actually also a journalism major and liked a lot of the same music and other stuff i did and on a number of occasions we talked about some of the bands we liked and the concerts we had been to, and i really enjoyed our conversations. i actually really liked playing a lot of my favorite songs and new music on the show, as well as just talking about music and entertainment/life news with everybody else so i would say it was a really great experience.¬†naturally, i wanted to be on radio again, but this time if i wanted to i had to create my own show which would have taken a lot of effort and i probably would have done it alone so radio for spring semester is probably not going to happen. but we’ll see; i’ll keep you guys posted.

aside from radio, another organization i wanted to get involved in was the school’s independent newspaper in order to sort of build up my experience and writing resume as an aspiring journalist. so i went to a meeting the other day, and i luckily it was a good one, so i applied on friday for a staff position. and guess what? ya girl got the job!!!! just this morning the head of the section i wanted to write for e-mailed me saying that the newspaper had accepted my application and that i had to accept the offer so i could start writing.

this is the happiest i’ve been about something in the longest time and it kind of makes me want to cry. i’m crying right now. i’m excited to actually build up my resume and get some cool networking opportunities, but most of all get the chance to talk and work with people who share the same interests. last semester i literally spent all my time alone every day of the week, talking to no one but my parents and my roommates and i was overwhelmingly unhappy and stressed about every single aspect of my life. i’m very optimistic about this (and other things) happening, and just maybe…. this semester will not be all that bad.

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